You may or may not have noticed my absence on my blog recently. But I am back with a very important message about my life at this point. Another disclaimer this post talks about anxiety, depression and more specifically self harm, so if you think you may find this difficult/ unpleasant to read feel free to close the page instead. I do not wish to upset anyone. My only intentions are to share with the hope of helping others. So I hope you read on and gain some inspiration from my story. Now before we jump into this thing I have a quote to share."I know this transformation is painful, but you're not falling apart; you're just falling into something different, with a new capacity to be beautiful." -William C.
So my absence has been due to a very significant change that happened in my life recently. Me and my long time boyfriend Nicholas have separated. Now before any one sheds anymore tears over the matter I want to say that we are still unsure of the future and the permanence of the situation and we have spoken extensively and until we both decide what we want I am going to keep this topic relatively private not only for my sake but also for his.Now this separation has been probably one of the most difficult things I have faced in my life. Because Nicholas has been an important part of my life for going on 5 years now. The actual event for anyone would be difficult but having anxiety and depression makes battling things like this slightly more complicated. Now my emotions at this point have been overwhelming and slightly debilitating. This is the topic I want to talk about today. Negative emotions can often overwhelm us and send us spiraling downwards. This is a part of life. I personally, have been completely overwhelmed by sorrow throughout parts of my life and I want to shed some light on the fact that this is okay. But I mostly want to share with you the lesson I have learned through all this.
One of my beautiful friends came to visit me today and she actually gave me a lot of perspective on what it is like to suffer. Sometimes we are just sad, there could be a reason or there could not be one. This is okay. You need to accept that you are suffering and that it is going to hurt for a while. Now pain does different things to everyone. For me personally I cry a lot and have panic attacks. People have different things that they do to react to being in a state of devastation. Some people break things, or push people they love away, some people like to be alone, some people physically self harm. Now these are obviously just a few but I wanted to stress something very important. Just because you feel pain and you express it in ways that may not be ideal or productive it doesn't mean you are weak. It just means you need an outlet. It doesn't mean you are giving in to pain.
This is where my very personal story comes into play. Sharing this is sharing my greatest insecurities. I have turned to self harm in the past to punish myself or to distract myself. I am sharing this with you so that you know that if you have been through this I understand. It is hard for people to understand what self harm is like unless they have been through it personally. But it's probably really different than you think. For me it was less about punishment and more about an outlet. Now I am definitely not an advocate for hurting yourself. But I wanted to share this with people who are going through the same thing to assure you that you are not weak. You just need something else to help you be strong. Now I am still working on this and I am not perfect. But I like using music as a distraction, playing a song loud and screaming out the lyrics. Or screaming in general. But most of the time getting a hug from someone who loves me can help calm me down.
Now I wanted to share this for non-self harmers just as much because it may help you to understand instead of judge. Just know that although a cry for help it is not always easily solved. Everyone is different just really listen to what the person is telling you.
What I want for you more than anything is for you to not feel guilty if you do self harm. You shouldn't be ashamed of your scars, they represent a time when you were strong enough to hold on when your whole world was crashing down. Whatever self harm you have caused yourself is in the past. You are who you are now. You can be a complete new you starting now and that is exactly what I plan to do. I want to be a better for the people around me, but mostly I want to be a better me, for me.
I plan to see that sadness is not always the enemy. Sadness helps for you to empathize, to feel and to see things in a new light. It can also help the people around you to see that you are suffering and offer you support. On that topic I would like to express my gratitude to all the people who have reached out to me during this time. But I would also like to say thank you to the other people in my life too. Just because someone doesn't call you or send you a message doesn't mean they don't care. It can just be an unspoken bond that you can access there help whenever you need and you are probably in their prayers and wishes.
Now as far as my blog goes I will be posting with no schedule because I don't want to feel tied down to blogging everyday. But I will be sharing precious times in my life. The good and the bad, both are precious to me.
Now as far as my life goes from here I am choosing to be optimistic. I want a happy life for myself and I am going to create it. I want to reconnect with my friends, my family and Nicholas but more importantly with myself. I want to start doing things that make me soul, heart and body happy. For me that is drinking more tea and reading more books, exploring the world and exploring my creativity. Reaching out to the people I love and making them happy. Now I want to thank you for reading and leave you with another quote:
"I am going to make everything around me beautiful - That will be my life." Elsie de Wolfe
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