The Most Important Things I Learnt So Far In My Battle with Depression and Anxiety.

Hello and welcome back,

As I said yesterday today is going to be a different post. (Tomorrow will be back to normal). This post is not about my travels around this beautiful world. But it will be about a topic that is very close to me and part of a very personal battle and a battle I will be fighting for the rest of my life. The things I have learnt that have made this journey a little bit easier and something that I hope will help at least one person just as it has helped me.

So I'll start with the bad news. I am writing this post because yesterday was a bad day. I felt sad and lonely and I missed parts of my old life as well as yearned for things I haven't yet experienced. This is not rare for me. I often spend days in bed or sitting under the shower until well after the water has run cold. Some days I get so anxious I can't speak, or I'm so busy worrying that I forget to eat. Often I am so sad I become physically ill. I know sometimes it's bad and that some days it will get harder. 

There is something that I needed to hear in order to start getting better and stop beating myself up for having these days and feeling this way. Why when my life is so perfect and I have so may opportunities and so much love surrounded me, am I still often sad? So I'm going to tell you.

Happiness is not a destination or a permanent state of being you will eventually reach. But happiness can come and go and that's okay. Expecting to be happy forever is like expecting to never get tired again or to never be hungry. Try to remember that it's okay if happiness comes and goes. But make sure you welcome it into your life and treasure it while it's there. Because that way, I find, it comes more often. 

So here is the good news. I'm sure you have all been told many times. 
 It's okay to not be okay. It's okay to be sad for no reason. It's okay to cry and scream into your pillow until you lose your voice. It's okay to be in a bad place just as long as you're not willing to unpack and stay there. Just as long as you're willing to keep fighting for yourself. To create the life you want. Spend those nights crying then wake up and fight for the life that will make those nights better.

It's okay to ask for help. It's okay to take some of the strength that your loved ones offer. I like to think of it as borrowing. That when I use their love and strength to build my life into a house of happiness. I'll let them live in it. I'll give them strength when they are down. This period of "taking" is only temporary and it will allow me to give more in the future. 

Now here is the thing that no one told me. The last piece of the puzzle in my journey to begin my recovery. It's okay to get better. You may think this is strangely obvious, but it's something I struggled with for a long time. Being "broken" was part of my identity. Being anxious was part of my personality, but I'm not really losing anything I'm replacing my some of my anxiousness with a new found freedom and some of my sadness with a new found inspiration and love for life. 

I was worried that all the people I had found on this journey and connected with. All the people I had held and cried with for hours because we were both so broken would soon become further away as we had less in common. But they can use my strength. Instead of collecting tears together. I can wipe theirs away. Instead of hoping I can tell them with more certainty that it's going to be okay. Because it is for me. 

I am by no means "recovered" but I know now it's not a destination and that I'll continue molding my life into a personal utopia that will bring happiness for not only me, but also the many people who have stood by me and loved me throughout this beautifully imperfect journey.

So now for the best news
Living is a work of art.

It's beautiful battle, all of the tears are part of the masterpiece that has, is and will be your life. You just have to pick up the brush and make it. Even when times get hard and you feel like you are drowning in paint or that the colours are not as vibrant as you wish. Those "imperfections" are part of your journey and you are the only one in control of creating your work of art. Make the colours vibrant, pull yourself out from under the easel, under the pile of brushes and paint and keep on creating your masterpiece. 

Stay beautiful and stay strong x